


if we have each other then we'll both be fine

by juggyjones



Series: in this universe, we're fighters [6]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 6x04, 6x05, Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Flashback to the Ring, braven brotp, murphamy brotp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-05-01 16:56:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19181974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juggyjones/pseuds/juggyjones
Summary: Years after their conversation on the Ring, Raven reminds Bellamy of the things he said about Clarke. Maybe now, in Sanctum, it's time for the truth to come out.---'You love, you lose,'Raven said.'That's our mantra.''We've got nothing left to lose now.''Don't jinx it, Blake. The universe may surprise you.'





	if we have each other then we'll both be fine

**Author's Note:**

> kinda canon compliant? mostly, yeah. set in 6x04 and a little after it. this was also supposed to be a short one-shot, but um... nothing about this fic went according to plan.

 

It's the dance that keeps him at bay. Clarke is happy; Echo is wandering around; Murphy, Raven, and Emori are somewhere; Jordan is talking to people; and Miller and Jackson are on the podium, dancing. He thinks it's the way things should be, from now on - peace and quiet, with some music and parties from time to time. It's what all of them deserve.

But it's not all he can think about. There's worry in the back of his mind, knowing he'd left Octavia to suffer. There's the fact that they finally have some time to breathe and he's thinking about everything he's lost since he's woken up - Monty, Harper, Octavia, not to mention almost killing Murphy. It feels like even though he should be happy, and content, and finally enjoying breathing without thinking it might be his last time.

Everything just feels wrong. As if they're still doing something wrong, as if the choices he's made weren't good enough.

'Hey,' he hears coming from his left. 'You don't look too good.'

Bellamy turns, and tries to smile. 'Raven.'

The brunette shrugs, looking at the podium. 'Not a fan of parties?'

'Not really. Bad memories.'

'Hm. Octavia, right?' She understands him, more than almost anybody else, and it's not often he gets to appreciate that. 'Look, I know this might not be my place, but things have calmed down a little, right? For the first time in about... over a hundred years?'

It's a light attempt at a joke and Bellamy chuckles, and it's genuine.

Raven puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes lightly. It's friendly, and he didn't realize how much he needed it until she'd done it. You can always count on me, it feels like she's saying, and he knows he can.

But there's something warning, hesitant in that gesture and as he turns to face her, her hand falls and slips into the pockets of her jeans. She looks at the dance floor, where Clarke is with the doctor, and back at him.

'Do you remember, back at the Ring, when we were talking about losing people?' asks Raven. 'I talked about Finn and my mom, and you talked about Octavia, your mom, Gina, and Clarke, among others. And when we were talking about how it felt to lose them, and all the things we would've changed if we could...'

When he swallows, his throat is dry.

The truth is, he didn't remember. He chose not to.

'It doesn't matter,' he says. 'I'm with Echo now and everything's different. Clarke's alive.'

Raven shrugs and bites her lip. 'That's kind of what I'm talking about...'

'Raven. I appreciate it, but that was, as you said, over a hundred years ago. It should stay there. I have a different life now.'

'Sure, I know that, and I'm happy that you've moved on from that. I just... I wasn't going to mention it before, because we all thought Clarke was dead. And then we came back and she wasn't, but everything was happening so quickly and I don't think any of us even got the chance to think. And now, with all the calm and some time to actually figure out what's going on inside our heads, I figured it might be fair to Echo if-'

'Raven, that's enough.' Bellamy looks away; he catches a glimpse of a tall brunette walking on the sidelines of the podium, and his heart aches for what they have. Not far from her, but in the heart of the podium, is Clarke - locking lips with the doctor. 'There's nothing Echo needs to know. I'm not hiding anything from her.'

'So you told her you were in love with Clarke?'

This is a blow he didn't expect. He can't even bear to look at her, because she doesn't have the right to bring this up now, when he has so many other things to worry about.

'Right. I see.'

'Don't give me that,' says Bellamy, 'that condescending tone. Just because I didn't tell her something that was in the past-'

'But Clarke is back, Bellamy. And sure, do whatever you want, but let me remind you - I lost someone I loved a few days ago. We might be at peace here, but there's no guarantee of life, so if I were you, I'd be honest with people.'

Shaw. He almost forgot.

'Raven, I-'

'I don't need your pity,' she says, and he knows she means it. She takes a step back, and shrugs. 'Just thought I'd remind you. Our lives may be ours, but they influence others way too much for us to be thinking only about ourselves.'

Before he can say anything else, Raven walks away.

He doesn't want to think about the things he said to Raven all those years ago. It was a conversation neither of them brought up ever again, because the things said in it weren't meant to be brought up again. But then again, that was when he thought saying how he felt about Clarke would change nothing, because things had run their course. He thought she was gone for good and there was nothing he could change. He thought their fate was sealed and then, only then, did he allow himself a couple of minutes in which he accepted the truth about the way he felt. The raw grief that was for more than a friend; the missed chances and opportunities and the unspoken words. Raven got to hear all that, and she never judged him for it.

Bellamy thought she let it go, just like he did. For the good of everyone, she should've.

When Echo comes up to him to talk, he's still thinking about it, and he's pissed. He is worried, too, because Octavia is gone, and he keeps thinking about the things he lost and how much Harper and Monty helped him out on the Ring, and he misses them, and it just feels like Echo doesn't feel the same. It feels as if when he needs her to be the vulnerable the most, to help him figure out how to cope with so many losses, she's closing off again.

They end the night in an argument and he can't bring himself to think about it.

Maybe it isn't entirely her fault, or his. Maybe it's the fact that Raven brought up something he spent years trying to get over, just so he could truly be with Echo the way they both deserved. It doesn't feel right that Clarke is smiling, and enjoying herself, when he's battling this... whatever this is inside him.

He tries not to think of Clarke and the doctor. He tries not to think of the hurt on Echo's face when he told her how he felt about her not showing she is affected by Monty and Harper's deaths. He tries not to think about what Raven told him.

But she's right, and he knows it.

This is the first time he has time to think since they've landed on the ground and found out Clarke is alive, the first time when there is no danger looming over their heads. And he knows it - Clarke being alive means the things he said to Raven that night weren't for nothing. They still played a role in their relationship, and his and Echo's, and the fact that he never told her about how he felt made him feel sick to his stomach.

Raven is also right in saying that Echo deserves to know. The only problem is, Bellamy knows if maybe there's a possibility he still feels the same way - only he's been pushing it away for the sake of what he has.

He has Echo. And he's happy with her. He doesn't want anything to-

'Bellamy, hey.'

'Not now, Murphy.'

He turns his back to the dance floor and he's so done with tonight, but Murphy's hand on his shoulders stops him. He whacks it away, glares at Murphy, and walks away. His footsteps are heavy and contrapuntal to the music, but there's a pair following him and he can't even find it in himself to tell Murphy off. Instead, they walk together out of the palace. The music becomes quieter and quieter until it's gone altogether, and the only thing preventing his thoughts from becoming the loudest sound are the footsteps.

He sits down on the steps, out of air. There's a familiar sigh when Murphy sits down next to him, hands on his knees. Bellamy doesn't look.

'This was, you know,' Murphy begins, 'supposed to be our big thing. Our next lives, where we actually redeem ourselves for all the shit we've done. We're supposed to be happy now.'

Bellamy glances at Murphy, but it looks like his friend isn't talking to him at all. He doesn't like serious conversations, and whatever this is supposed to be, Bellamy can't figure out if it's supposed to be for him or for Murphy. Part of him is hoping it's for Murphy. Part of him pretends it is.

That's why he stays, and listens. Pretends it's not about him.

'I'm not happy, but I think I'll get there eventually. All I know is that we've been through some shit. We deserve something better. Even if it's with these weirdos, with Clarke and her history, and about four hundred murderous samples of the human race.' Murphy chuckles, but there's no humour in it. 'I see you're not happy, either. Clarke's fine, Raven's going through shit, Emori and Echo are adapting, Jordan is enjoying it, Abby's doing her own shit, and Miller and Jackson are perfectly fine as it is. You're the only one who's sulking, big time.'

'And you,' Bellamy interjects.

'True. But I've gone to hell.' Murphy looks at him and his lips spread into a wide grin, but Bellamy knows him - he can see the fear behind his eyes. 'I've kind of got a reason.'

Bellamy looks away.

A hand grips his shoulder, gently, and he watches the people around him. They look so familiar and so alien at once; they look human, they act human, but they way they hold themselves is so effortless. There is no caution in the stiffness of their shoulders, no wary glances at the surroundings. No one's jaw is tense because they don't know if someone's hiding behind the corner, waiting to jump them. These people know peace and only peace - they're not, and never will be, a part of them.

His head falls and he closes his eyes, almost as if in a prayer. Here's hoping, he thinks, that someday, we will.

Not now. Not anytime soon.

All they know is war and war and war and whatever comes in-between. The security they know is one they are lulled into by false hopes. It never remains.

'You're right,' he says. 'I don't know if I'll ever be able to live in peace.'

'Shut up, Bellamy,' Murphy says. His tone is dismissive and Bellamy hears him sigh, just as the hand leaves his shoulder. 'You're fine. We've all been fucked over by life once or twice or a dozen times, but there comes a point when it needs to stop. When you give up on all the fighting and wars and battles and you get some rest. When you make amends, and realize we've got a life, and about several billion people can't say the same.'

Bellamy chuckles. 'So you're an optimist now?'

'No. I just know what's waiting for me once I'm dead, and I'm not about to waste the time I have until then.'

They let Murphy's words settle in silence, interrupted only by occasional chatter from the Sanctum residents.

Bellamy knows Murphy isn't sober and neither is he. His friend is breathing next to him, heavily, and there's nothing Bellamy can say to change his mind. If Murphy thinks he's seen hell, then he's seen hell. He can only think of what Clarke said to him - hell's big enough for both of us. And it is - but it's big enough to fit Bellamy, too, if it comes to that.

Maybe this is where they all end. Burning in hell for the rest of eternity.

'I think I'll head to bed.' Murphy gets on his feet and gives Bellamy one last glance before he leaves. 'Whatever's bothering you, clear your head and solve it. We're going to run out of chances to do that eventually.'

Bellamy watches him walk away. It's not long before he leaves the steps, too, and walks away from the party. If he's going to clear his head, he can't do that with others around, and he sure as hell can't do it when he can almost feel his friends' presence.

He walks for about half an hour until he finds a spot near where the crops grow, far away from the palace. It's quiet and still, with just a soft breeze in the air to accompany him.

He thinks about what Murphy said, and he knows it relates to what Raven said. He wonders if they talked about it, but he doubts it. He believes in coincidence, and he believes that sometimes the universe does give a little push.

Maybe it's time to face the truth.

Clarke Griffin is not just a friend.

He closes his eyes, and remembers what he tried to forget.

* * *

 

He found Raven sitting in the comms room; just Raven and a bottle of whiskey. It was full, almost, and for a moment he wondered if she tried drowning herself in alcohol like he did. Not that any of his friends knew; he was good at keeping his grief to himself.

Most of the time, anyway.

Neither of them said a word when he sat down. It was quiet, the way it sometimes was between the two of them, and it wasn't not unfamiliar. He saw Raven's elbow perched on the table, her fingertips just barely touching her lips. She was staring out of the window, at the Earth that was as scorched as it had been when they left it.

' _I keep feeling smaller_ ,' Bellamy said.

Raven said nothing, and Bellamy didn't follow up.

They didn't talk, for a while. He felt like there were words at the tip of his tongue, waiting to be spoken, but he couldn't find the strength. Not that day, or any before, or any after. In fact, it wasn't even him who pointed it out.

' _We are_.' Raven's fingers detached from her lips and she looked at him with swollen eyes, but it didn't look as if she'd been crying for a while. ' _Every minute that we spend on this ship, we're becoming smaller to them. We mean less.'_

_'I don't think that's how it works.'_

_'They have others.'_

_'So do we.'_

' _No._ ' Her head turned back towards the window and he could sense the contempt she had for herself. He recognized it, because it's the same one he bore: survivors' guilt. ' _We have seven passengers. They have hundreds. Some survivors on the ground, maybe_.'

_'I don't think there could be survivors.'_

_'That's what we thought the last time, too. It doesn't matter. Down there, they have people they love. We lost them. Some more than others.'_

Bellamy looked down, at the hands in his lap. He couldn't bear to look at Raven; he knew how much Finn meant to her, and then Wick, before he had left them. He knew what she had been through and he understood, because he lost Gina. Octavia was down there, somewhere, if they were lucky.

They had no way of knowing who's alive and who's dead.

And they both lost-

' _I'm talking about Clarke,_ ' Raven says, ' _and you.'_

_'We all lost her.'_

_'Sure, but not all of us felt like you did towards her.'_

_'Raven-'_

_'Look, it's been three months and you're still grieving.'_

_'So are you_ ,' he tried.

Raven laughed. It was yet another empty laugh, just for the sake of making a point.

' _Maybe I'm just dealing. Bellamy, talking about how you felt towards someone who died will help you move on. You stop holding onto things. You let go_.'

Never before, since they had come to the Ring, had anyone talked to him like that. They knew to keep their distance when he'd be grieving and they knew that the subject of Clarke a synonym for 'taboo'. He was taking time to heal and they let him have it his way - until now. Until Raven thinking she had any idea of what he was going through. Nobody knew how he felt towards Clarke.

So that's what he said. A little more violently, with his jaw clenched and hands fisted in his lap, his right leg jumping up and down.

' _I'm done treading on ice with you. You need to hear this and it's better you hear it from me now than someone else when it gets even worse_.' Raven leaned towards him. ' _Clarke is dead_.'

The words stung. They stabbed him in the gut, wrenched his heart. They obliterated his every thought.

' _You're right, nobody knows how you feel towards her, but that's for everyone. You and her have been through some shit together, but nobody will know if you don't tell them. I know you love her_.'

He blinked. Once, twice.

Didn't wake up.

She held his gaze and raised an eyebrow, testing. Her hands were now resting on the bottle and she offered him some. He wasn't going to drink tonight, but when she took a swing, he found his hands on the neck of the bottle and placed the opening to his lips.

' _You love, you lose_ ,' Raven said. ' _That's our mantra_.'

_'We've got nothing left to lose now.'_

_'Don't jinx it, Blake. The universe may surprise you.'_

Raven glanced at him, again, sighing. She got up and walked away with her trademark limp, came back about two minutes later with two glasses. They were put on the table more gently than he'd think she could, so he was the one pouring the whiskey. They were grieving; they might as well look a little less ratchet about it.

For a while, neither of them spoke. Bellamy's wishful thinking was that there was nothing to be said. Only it was wishful thinking, that's all. Raven came here for herself but stayed for him and he knew it. She didn't need people to grieve with, or people to console her when she can deal with anything well enough on her own. He didn't need it, either, so it was a surprise he found comfort in her presence.

He enjoyed the quiet.

But there were things needing to be said.

' _I find grieving someone you were in love with more difficult when you never actually had the chance to be with them_ ,' he said. He hadn't planned on doing so; the feelings go the best of him and, before he knew it, he was spilling his guts out to the dark-haired girl with her hair let loose, for once. His fingers circled the edge of his glass in between sips, and his throat began adjusting to the flames of the hard liquor.

Raven was listening. He could tell by the way her body shifted to the right, just a little bit, just an inch closer to him. There was a glass in her right hand, mirroring his, and her elbow was still perched on the table. She wasn't looking at him, but he knew that Raven didn't need to look to be able to listen. Instead, Raven was like him -- she understood that sometimes, by not looking you let the person pretend they're alone and no one is listening. You offer comfort and they take it if they are wanting to.

Bellamy wasn't planning on talking. Now, there was no stopping.

He remembers closing his eyes, and wishing there was rain. He remembers feeling the bark of the tree against his back during Unity Day, and Clarke resting next to him, and Bellamy asking her to run away with him. He remembers it now and he remembered it when he was sitting up in space, wishing he could go back to that moment. Wishing they could've run away together.

' _I realized I had an easier time getting over Gina than I do with Clarke, and I hate the way that makes me feel. Guilty, dirty, and despicable, to say the least. Because Gina... I loved her, Raven. I really did. But when she died, I had memories to hold on to and I had time with her I'll cherish as long as I'm alive. And I had a clear future in mind and I know what we would've ended up like. I kissed her and I loved her and I had moments with her, when I could be true to the way I feel._

_With Clarke, I never got that. She's gone, and I keep thinking of all the opportunities I had to tell her how I feel. All the opportunities when there was no one else in the picture, when all I could see was her, and I was intimidated by her. I thought I hated her because of how attracted to her I was. And there are so many things I could've done differently, and-'_

_'You can't_ ,' Raven interrupts. ' _None of us can_.'

' _Yeah_ ,' he agrees, ' _that's the thing. I'll never get to tell her that when I thought she was dead, I would've burnt the world to the ground just to bring her back, because I didn't understand. When she left me after Mt. Weather, I was so angry, I thought I hated her. I wished I could. Because we were supposed to bear it so nobody else has to, and I felt like I ended up bearing it on my own. I was alone and I was scared and I missed having her by my side, because that was all I knew.'_

 _'Do you regret it_?'

Bellamy turns to her, surprised to find she's looking at him, too. ' _Regret what?'_

_'Not making her stay after Mt. Weather.'_

_'No_.' He shakes his head, in shock, because the words coming out of his mouth surprised even him. ' _I don't think there's anything I could've done to make her stay. She had to go_.'

It must've been the alcohol talking, that's what he thought at the time. In retrospect, he was already trying to get through the issues he had with her, and he was already forgiving each of them for the mistakes they'd made. Letting her go wasn't one of them. He knows, if she'd stayed, she would've have been happy. The genocide would've reigned between them and neither of them could've gotten even remotely close to a recovery.

So he said, ' _I can't make her things she doesn't want to do.'_

 _'Neither can anyone else_.'

They drank in silence, for a little bit.

' _I never had time to sit and think about the way I felt_ ,' he said. ' _When I did, she was never around. Thinking about her hurt more than not doing that, so I tried not to. Over and over again, every time she would go away. I never- I never realized how much she means to me until it hit me that, you know, she's gone. She's not coming back. And I never got to properly feel anything when I had the time, because there was always something happening. We were always trying to save the world. Clarke and I, the vanguard of every battle for the human race_.'

Raven chuckled. ' _A story worth becoming a legend.'_

 _'I'd rather have Clarke alive than a legend_.'

There was nothing she had to say about that.

_'I keep thinking, if there was any moment when we felt the same towards each other. And I wonder what it could've been like if we did, and if we acted upon it, and I wonder if our lives could've been better. If we would've been in this same mess, still. If maybe she would've been alive.'_

_'That's not how it works, Bellamy.'_

_'I know_ ,' he sighed, ' _I know. But that's the thing. I don't know what it would be like to wake up next to Clarke Griffin. To hug her, kiss her, make her breakfast and all the things I wish I could've done. And believe it or not, it's even worse when it's your best friend, because then you're so fucking close to having it. It's almost like you do. Almost. As if there's this invisible line that could be crossed so easily, and all the what-ifs would have answers. You have all these memories with a person and when you think back, you can point out when you first noticed the blue in their eyes, or how they bite their lip when they're nervous, or the way they say your name. You know all these things, and you appreciate them so much more, but it feels like there's something missing. And you keep wondering. And you keep being angry at yourself for never taking the chances. And you think of all the what-ifs and all the things you could've done and all the-'_

 _'Bellamy, stop. You're going too far_.'

He didn't look at her. He looked at his lap, instead.

' _I loved her_ ,' he said, softly. ' _And I'll never get to tell her.'_

 _'I'm sorry_.'

He knew he should've acknowledged her, but he couldn't. ' _When you're best friends, you love the person. That's why it hurts. You love them and you know you do, and when you realize you're in love with them, too, it's too late_.'

Again, Raven said nothing. He didn't, either. They were drinking and they were thinking and he was grateful for some quiet. His heart was skipping beat after beat and his chest felt hollow, at times, and breath got hitched in his throat but there was nothing he could do about it.

When he spoke again, he couldn't stop. His words were coming out and so were the tears, and Raven just let him talk and talk and talk until his voice was gone and there was nothing left for him to do but breathe, and fight through it. This was his battle. This was the one he couldn't have led with Clarke, even if she were there. He told Raven about the times they had together, about holding her for the last time before everything got fucked with the rocket. He told her how he thought his heart had stopped when he realized they were leaving the planet and she was still somewhere on it, waiting to be scorched. How when he realized that she was gone, his head started spinning and he barely realized that it was because of the lack of oxygen.

How nights weren't getting any better. How he kept seeing her face, telling him to wake up, but she wouldn't be there when he did.

When they parted, he slept better than in the past three months.  

Raven was wrong about one thing - he didn't move on after that. He lingered, for another almost three years before letting go. It was far more difficult to let go of the fact that he'll never see her again, hear the snarky tone in her voice, or have her by his side when they save their people - that's what he couldn't let go of. The idea of Clarke as someone by his side through every hardship was almost impossible to lock away as a mere memory. But without Raven, he wouldn't have come to terms with the way he felt. He wouldn't have started the journey of recovery at all, and maybe everything would've taken longer than it did.

It was difficult to let Clarke go, but he managed. He never thought about the conversation again.

Until they realized she was alive and nothing was the same anymore.

* * *

 

He was going to talk to Clarke. Echo, too - he was going to tell them what's happening inside his head, how conflicted he is.

Bellamy loves Echo. But he loves Clarke, too, and there's no point denying it. And Raven was right - whatever happens, Echo deserves to know how Bellamy really feels, because if he can't tell her everything, then they might as well not be together at all. Honesty and transparency, that's what he considers a healthy relationship needs. When it's relevant to one person, it's relevant to both. Bellamy wishes he doesn't need to tell her, because he knows it's going to hurt. He wishes he didn't feel that way towards Clarke. They're a mess even without feelings that are more than platonic. And he likes the way he is with Clarke, he genuinely does.

But he can't go against his heart. He tried.

He was going to tell them, be open about it, put his heart out there and see what happens next.

He was.

But then something changed with Clarke. She looked like Clarke, talked like Clarke, sounded like Clarke, but she didn't feel like Clarke. And when they found out about body snatching, and when she kept calling Murphy "John", somewhere in the back of his mind, he connected the dots. Confronted her about it. Tested her, and she failed.

And now, he's lying on the floor of a dark, locked room, and Clarke is dead.

 _She isn't dead_.

He closes his eyes, and swears to himself he will not let the Primes get away with it. It doesn't matter they're few of the remaining people of the human race, or that they spent years building this place. The human race should stop priding itself on being descendent from people who use others to survive.

Bellamy and his friends, they don't have the best track record, but oh god, do they try. What they do isn't selfish, it's for the sake of the human race and the people they love. It's never for them, for them only

One thing Bellamy has realized is that if you think about the other side, about making this as painless as possible for both sides, you lose. There is no winning in kindness, because when Lincoln tried it, he failed. When Monty tried it, he failed. Whoever tries to wage a war without a battle, they lose. It's time they ensure they win. It's time they suffer no more losses than they already have.

There is not a chance he can go back to leading without Clarke and succeed. He knows what it feels like to lead without her and with her, and ever since he got her back, he'd rather have it be the both of them than either. And without her, he is not the leader he wants to be, or could be.

And they thought Diyoza was bad.

He swears to himself that if Clarke is dead...

 _...so will be the Primes_.

Even if that means he has to burn the moon to the ground.


End file.
